Wait, We’ll Help You Pack!

April 15th, 2009 by TRex @ 8:16 pm| Posted in GOP Cargo Cult, literal fascism |

Texas governor Rick Perry is not taking secession off the table:

Perry called his supporters patriots. Later, answering news reporters’ questions, Perry suggested Texans might at some point get so fed up they would want to secede from the union, though he said he sees no reason why Texas should do that.

“There’s a lot of different scenarios,” Perry said. “We’ve got a great union. There’s absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what might come out of that. But Texas is a very unique place, and we’re a pretty independent lot to boot.”

Way to go, you Rapture-baiting clod-hopper.  You’ve managed to make everyone on the whole planet just a liiiiittle bit stupider just by opening your mouth.  But you know what?

Go.  Just go.

Take your stupid giant pointy belt buckle of a state and go stick it up your arrogant, swaggering ass, okay?  Sideways.  Any plan that decreases the USA’s staggeringly high Drooling Idiot Index by a couple million souls is, frankly, fine by me.  Granted, I live in Georgia, which adds more than its own share of drag to the aforementioned index, but Texas is bigger, dumber, and I think demonstrably meaner.  That’s two less asshat Senators, and (as my Facebook friends remind me) 34 consistently red electoral votes.

So go!  And take Tom DeLay.  Please!

And then, once it’s a done deal, we’ll extradite George Bush from his gated community in Dallas and put him on trial for war crimes.  Yee.  Fucking.  Haw, y’all!

We keep Amanda Marcotte and the Dixie Chicks, though.  And the memory of Ann Richards.

So, when are you leaving, Texas?  I think we might rent out your room.

  1. 9 Responses to “Wait, We’ll Help You Pack!”

  2. By Laura on Apr 15, 2009 8:21 pm |

    Here’s your hat. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

  3. By HelplessDancer on Apr 15, 2009 9:13 pm |

    I’m sure that W’s former unit will be at the forefront of the fighting.

  4. By Atikar on Apr 15, 2009 9:14 pm |

    Absolutely the perfect response, Mr. Rex!

    I’ve had no use for Texas for quite some time now. I believe the joke I used to say was: “the Mexicans lost Texas, I think it’s time to give it back”.

    Thanks for making me seem more sane today.

  5. By lilysmom on Apr 15, 2009 11:00 pm |

    We’ll also keep the memory of Molly Ivins.

    Git

  6. By Brian on Apr 15, 2009 11:37 pm |

    This was my reaction, as well.

    Go. Just leave. We’ll clear out whatever nuclear weapons we have down there and “y’all” can declare the independence of the new country of Dumbfuckistan. Elect Sarah Palin your president, burn all the books and criminalize any form of intelligence.

    The problem with this is that, within six months, the swaggering, self-reliant residents of Dumbfuckistan would find themselves living in a failed state, with millions of heavily-armed, starving, illiterate skinheads, eager to start a war with the United States.

    What do you do with people that stupid?

  7. By harmfulguy on Apr 16, 2009 3:30 pm |

    I was awfully young when I first heard someone mention the idea of building a Great Wall along the Texas border to keep out “undesirables”. At the time, I thought this was a fantastic idea.

    However, I can be a bit slow about understanding some things that should be obvious. Imagine my disappointment when, years later, I finally realized that these people wanted to build the wall along the southern border of Texas.

  8. By harmfulguy on Apr 17, 2009 11:35 am |

    As it turns out, there are people (however few) in Texas who still identify with the United States of America and/or the human race. Who knew?

  9. By austinistheblueflame on Apr 17, 2009 11:31 pm |

    you know, i was in the Perry-Castaneda Library at UT-Austin about 30 years ago and I picked up a book at random, because after all, I had a paper to write.

    I only remember the dedication. It was dedicated to the Confederate Army of Georgia, the greatest army the world has ever known… Perhaps some descendant of the author voted for that resolution to secede in the Georgia Senate this month.

    http://www.americablog.com/2009/04/georgia-senate-threatens-to-secede.html

    Just saying, that your spit-into-palm handshake accepted.

  10. By cherish on Apr 19, 2009 7:01 pm |

    I had some fun jotting down all the Govt-funded activities, subsidized businesses, contracts, bases, trade protections, etc etc etc that would vanish overnight if Texas seceded. Not to mention the numbers educated, culturally intelligent folk who would immigrate ahead of the deadline.

    It would truly be a wasteland … sitting on top of an energy source five minutes away from being universally recognized as obsolete.

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