I can’t get this song out of my head. And I’m not even entirely sure that I like it.

(Fig 1-A: The Identity Thief)

Recently everyone who works for my massive, sprawling employer had to complete a “security module”, which was basically a very long, drawn-out film-strip like from grade school, but on a browser instead of projected on to a movie screen, and it was about the importance of password protection and not sharing your sensitive information with other people, blah, blah, blah.  The illustration above is an artistic representation of an “Identity Thief”, who obviously wears a full ninja mask to conceal his identity while he steals your social security number.  But he also wears a questionably coordinated business casual dress-shirt and tie combo while he does it, because, you know, what is he, a farmer?

I did not care much for that speech tonight, no I did not.  It called to mind the interview I heard on “All Things Considered” yesterday with ex-Bush speechwriter Michael Gerson.  It made me feel literally nauseated to hear those creaky old BushCo talking points being spat forth on to the airwaves once again, like the unflushable turds that gaily circle in the bowl of a clogged toilet.

Gerson said our allies need to be reassured that we won’t “cut and run” (cringe!), that this will be the emergence of Obama as a “war-time president” (shudder!) and I had hoped, hoped, hoped that this was not the truly awful, mediocre Shape of the Speech to Come and yet, there it was, tonight, a speech that (if you took out all the words with more than three syllables, dropped in several howling malapropisms, and set it to the tune of “When You Wish Upon a Star”) could have been given by George Bush.

Look at this from HuffPo:

Karl Rove On Obama Plan: ‘Stand Up And Applaud’

This has to be some kind of trick.

Or not, I dunno.  I don’t even know what to think anymore.  Every other liberal blogger on the planet is howling and bellowing through their “CAPS LOCK” keys about this right now and I don’t know what I’m supposed to add to that.

Do you remember back in 2002 when we first invaded Afghanistan and, like, Aaron Brown on CNN and those guys were playing clips of what was, I guess, like the national sport that had been outlawed under the Taliban, sort of Afghani polo, where they rode around on horses, fighting over the headless carcass of a goat?  I remember thinking at the time, “Oh, great, these people are going to make fantastic friends and allies.  I’m so glad we’ve, uh, ‘liberated’ them.”

And now it turns out that with our help, Afghanistan has become the rapey-est place on earth:

KABUL (Reuters) - Rape in Afghanistan is under-reported, concealed and a human rights problem of “profound proportions,” the United Nations said on Monday.

Norah Niland, the United Nations’ human rights representative in Afghanistan, said field research conducted late last year and early this year found rape affected all parts of Afghanistan, across all communities and social groups.

“Women and girls are at risk of rape in their homes, in their villages and in detention facilities,” Niland said at a news conference in Kabul, as part of a 16-day activism campaign against gender violence.

“It is a human rights problem of profound proportions.”

This is what nine years and billions of dollars of American aid buys you, whoo-hoo.  Yay, us.  Who knew that those pervy embassy guards were simply going native?

Above is a pretty funny video about the GOP digging up the corpse of Ronald Reagan and reanimating it.  It becomes less funny and more sad when you realize that if they actually could manage that, they absolutely would.  Never mind that anyone who’s paying attention knows that Uncle Ronnie was actually an awful president, a bumbling nincompoop whose handlers began the now time-honored pattern of Republicans sacking the government, bankrupting the national coffers, and leaving a trail of dead for a Democrat to come into office and mop up later.

But of course you’d never know that watching the usual parade of cable news stooges, “Democrats” and Republicans who they pull from their formaldehyde-filled tanks each week and prop up for a few hours on the Sunday talk shows.  Nobody ever questions the notion that Reagan was some kind of All-American avatar of grace, strength, and purity, never mind the fact that he was an empty-headed B-movie actor who never had an original thought in his life.

See, Reagan was lucky enough to have the last pre-Information Age presidency.  The bulk of his dirty tricks and policy failures remain mostly under the radar of the American public.  Can you imagine the fun that TPM would have had with Fawn Hall and her paper shredder?

But of course, there’s a whole Reich Wing cottage industry devoted to the preservation of the Legend of St. Ronnie and apparently their high priestess is Peggy “Thousand Points of Shite” Noonan, whom the RNC has clearly agreed to keep in Liquid Valium spritzers and Hermes bags forever and ever, cos she’s still out there spewing rancid pabulum like this:

It is hard to be president, and White Houses under pressure take refuge in thoughts that become mantras. When the previous White House came under mounting criticism from 2005 through ‘08, they comforted themselves by thinking, They criticized Lincoln, too. You could see their minds whirring: Lincoln was criticized, Lincoln was great, ergo we are great. But of course just because they say you’re stupid doesn’t mean you’re Lincoln.

One senses the Obama people are doing the Lincoln too, and adding to it the consoling thought that this is only the first year, we’ve got three years to go, we can change perceptions, don’t worry.

But they should worry. You can get tagged, typed and pegged your first year. Gerald Ford did, and Ronald Reagan too, more happily. The first year is when indelible impressions are made and iconic photos emerge.

Oh, give me a break you old delusional hag.  CAN you get to the end of a column without burying that painstakingly surgeried mug of yours in the cold, rotting taint of Dead Ronnie?  Pathetic.  Let it go, woman.  Even his son and namesake doesn’t vote Republican anymore.

God, is there any more morbid, obsessive relationship than Conservatives and their panoply of hopeless illusions?  Kind of makes you sick, doesn’t it?

This is what you get,
This is what you get,
This is what you get,
When you mess with us.

I wish I had these guys’ agenda.

(From the front page of Huffington Post.)

Do you hear that you guys?  Leave Rachel ALONE.  Please!  She’s just trying to live her life in peace!  Did you get her good side?  No, the RIGHT side, you jackals! No, no, she always bends over like a stripper who just spotted a fifty when she’s opening a car door.  Make sure you get good shots of the Cavali shades, fellas, so she can write them off on her taxes.

Remember Patsy Stone’s run-in with the gutter press? “MP in Drug-Crazed Sex Romp Shock With Fash Mag Slag!”

Guys, guys, give her a break.

I’m so excited about the fact that this story is going to be sucking up all the air in the media bubble for the next six months.  I’m starting the countdown clock now until Chris Matthews compares Tiger Woods to President Obama as a means of suggesting that the administration is in decline after its promising early showing.  But then immediately denies that the comparison had ANYTHING TO DO WITH RACE OH MY GOD.  Tick tock, Tweety.  Lord knows the world sets its watch by the thrills that run up your scrawny old man leg.

Don’t worry, kids, I’ve just been doing some stuff away from the computer, spending time with some Real World friends.  I’ll be back shortly.

In the meantime, have some vintage Eurythmics.  Open thread!

I think we may have found something even more destined for failure than President Obama’s Afghanistan strategy.

ATHENS, Ga. — An animal rights organization says the use of a live bulldog mascot contributes to the breed’s health problems and wants the University of Georgia to consider an alternative.

PETA suggests Georgia could use a robot dog or a costumed mascot instead of the white English bulldogs that have represented the school at football games since 1956.

Dude, I can’t think of a single constituency less likely to get traction with Georgia Footbawl fans than PETA.  I mean, I’m a total bleeding heart liberal commie and I think PETA are a bunch of holier-than-thou publicity whores who would do the world and all its animals a huge favor by eating a bag of lightly salted rat dicks and dying en masse.  This whole idea of theirs is made of total FAIL.

Shit, I hope they come to Athens and try protesting at a UGA game.  That would be awesome.  They’d be someone’s new hood ornament before you can say, “Vegetarians taste just like chicken!”

Ok, gang, scoot back that chair from the table, fix yourself a big cup of your favorite caffeinated beverage, and crank this song and dance around the room. You’ll thank me later.